First things first… in case I lose you in this overly long blog, please be sure and see the story I have written about John’s history, “Survival of the Inner Spirit”.
Now back to bid-ness:
Just because I’m not posting to my blog, does not mean I’m not writing. I am just worn down from learning new technology. My mind just can’t absorb more info about Twitter, Facebook (Fan page or Group? Personal vs Business), Myspace, Linkedin, WordPress vs. Dreamweaver, “tell a story” vs “be brief”… bah! I like our Facebook fan page, because I can edit it quickly, and keep it fresh easily. Linking our blog to our Facebook is not as easy as it sounds. Sometimes I think I’m posting to our fan page, but the post is only attached to my personal Facebook account. I want to talk to my friends about MY life, not my business life. But I know sometimes people who collect John’s work would like to know about him and his background, so I post personal stuff about our family and the obstacles we’ve encountered in the 20+ years we’ve been in business.
But my time to devote to the computer is limited. That’s mostly by choice since I am fried from having to keep my technology education up to date. I’ve used a computer in business since 1988, long before there were online tutorials to make it easier. If fact my used Zenith brand computer ran off MS-Dos, not windows. But every software program I have ever chosen to use, like most women my age, I have taught myself. And after awhile, with two children to raise, a small business to run, and…. well life, I just started learning the bare minimum of what I had to to do the things I had to. But the bare minimum still takes a lot of brain cells, and when I wasted some of my precious few on technology that became outdated by the time I learned it, my knees started hitting the ground.
I’d stagger back up, and try a new path, but with the speed of technology today, I’d just run into another wall and down I’d go again. But this time I’m going to stay down for awhile, or at least find a way to make it easier on myself. Our youngest graduated from high school last summer, and is now 18. On the day she turned of age, I faced our new of age daughter, as well as our 21 year old, slapped the imaginary dirt off my hands, and told them both “My job is done”. When my 21 year old protested “No! You can’t just stop being our mother!!”, I said, “you’re right, but your decisions today are made as adults. I have raised you to know right from wrong, and while I may not always agree with your choices, they are your choices… and so only you will be accountable for them”. I told them both “It’s my turn now. I get to get back on the road to finding out what I want be when I grow up.”.
Life is full of compromises. I knew I’d be sacrificing when I chose to have a family. I had no idea just how hard it would be, but I’d of signed on anyway. But now that it’s time for everyone to stand on their own two feet, they only want to be independent when it’s convenient for them. And after stepping in to catch them when they failed, because it was just too uncomfortable for me to stand by and watch, I have to make myself do just that. I also have to stand up to the guilt, both self imposed as well as imposed by those who are perfectly capable of doing the things they should be doing, but who know if they manipulate and whine enough, I’ll give up and throw out my net. I know now that giving in is much too time consuming and limits my movement, so for my own good, I have to put up with the discomfort of being called crazy.
I have tried to discover what my passion is while staying in Alpine, and while that will always be my home, I had to get out of our sleepy, tiny and remote far west Texas town to get a fresh perspective. I was visiting my dad who lives in Ft. Worth, where I was raised and 8 hours from Alpine. But he too starts playing the helpless card after I’ve been there a while. My mom died a couple of years ago, and he misses her. I do, too. But my dad is limiting his activities by not being fearless. He doesn’t connect with people on the Internet, or volunteer, or even go to any of the dances or game nights the Widows and Widowers Association he joined keeps notifying him of. If I stay in Ft. Worth too long, I start feeling guilty I cannot help him meet new friends which starts making me feel resentful. Ahhhh, there’s that self imposed guilt again.
So now what to do? There’s not much in Alpine that fires me up. I tried taking some college classes to help educate me about doing business in the 21st century, but about 6 weeks in, I realized I was spinning my wheels. I know more about it than my professors since I actually had hands on experience doing it. I went to one class to learn about technology and then another to learn about business. I took an art class, and then realized, I have no desire to create art. I want to sell it. I took an English class because I thought I wanted to write a book, but then realized what I need help with is writing “content”. There’s a difference.
Am I sorry I wasted both time and money on the tuition…. no. Because only by trying something, will I know if it works. Or doesn’t. And for someone who has not lived and breathed business, who has suffered both the ups and downs of tring to survive in this dog-eat-dog world, will they ever really know how to do it. So, after owning a minivan since 1987, I have packed up my beloved manual transmission Scion with its built in iPod connection and hit the road. I don’t know where I’m going, but hopefully I’ll know when I get there.
Later gators.
P.S. You don’t have to have a Facebook account to view our fan page, but I can tell you from the trenches of the school-of-hard-knocks, been there/done that kind of experience, you should have a Facebook account.
